The poem "Awake" (below) Inspired me to talk more about where it comes from. Here is a bit of my story.

 

Awake
Melody Long May 2015

 

I wake panicked
I feel you there once again
I swear I hear your breath
My heart pounds
I can barely breathe
Waiting, I listen,the sound is gone
slowly I reach in the drawer next to the bed
Carefully I take out the gun I keep there
I hold it close and turn on the light 
Thank god you vanished into the night

Forever you have a hold on me
Even though you have been gone for years
Your return forever my soul fears 
Even though I am aware
It was only a nightmare
Still I am awake
Clutching the gun
Ready to run

 

 

It happens, time and time again. Just when I feel safe again, just when my life is calm. The nightmares of what you did to me return. The torture, the rape, each unkind word each time you hurt me, over and over again in my head.
I can't seem to shake it. The fear you caused. The sorrow. Still to this day your words and actions have an affect on me. Even though you have been out of my life for more than 20 years.
I still have vivid dreams, they come out of no where. It is as if I find happy and the voices you planted in my head so long ago say that happy isn't allowed. The fear returns, I stop sleeping, stop eating, I shake all the time.
I remember too plainly the times you push me against a wall banging my head over and over while I cried, begged and pleaded for you to stop. I remember waking over and over in fear that today would be the day you would follow through with the threat to take my life. Or kill my son. 
I remember the hours of abuse where you would call me a bitch, a slut and a whore over and over again, while I sat in a corner crying. I remember you trying to push me down the stairs. The times I woke to find you leaning over me with a pillow in hand.
The many many times you raped me, but because I was your spouse it wasn't considered rape.
I have so much to blame you for. The lack of self esteem, the loss of many jobs, the fear to sleep or be far from my kids. The fear of loving or being loved. The obsessive need I have to have someone tell me I am good, and kind, and loving. That I am worthy.
I also have much to thank you for. When I ran, I found out who my friends were. How very wonderful my family was and even how kind strangers can be. As we hid; my son and I, after you tracked me down at my parents and threatened their lives as well as mine and my sons. I learned I was stronger than you. I learned I could take care of me. Most of all I learned that YOU were nothing but an abusive bully. 
I may still have you in my head but you no longer control my life. I am stronger. I am happy.
I am surrounded by people who love me and think I am not just good but strong, amazing, beautiful, kind and loving. I am not sure where I would be if you had not come into my life. I do know this. I no longer let you rule it. Even if sometimes I wake in the middle of the night in fear. I have a gun I have strength and most of all I know you will never ever hurt me again.